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Monday, April 27, 2009

somehow... my barrier broke. it was just 'KABAM'! then i got all emotional. sorry wei xin, for sending you so many emo messages. all my thoughts were just like...

"What if my mum dies?"

"What if wei xin doesn't care about me anymore? what if she gets a bf? will she care about me? what if we get into a big fight? we're already so far apart... we won't communicate anymore"

"my maths test fail...what should i do?"

"What should i do about my bro? i found evidence about him stealing my phone..."

"What about chinese oral? If my teacher asks me about my family..."

"What should i do about chinese dance?"

"What should i do about my commonwealthian friends who dun understand the true me?"

so i was crying non stop for...maybe 3 hours last night? MY mom was beside me, comforting me about the maths test. she said stuff like my siblings wun laugh at me (HA! LIKE REAL!!!)

then she said family is more trustworthy than friends( HA!!! SEE MY BRO!!!! HE STOLE MY FREAKING PHONE DAMMIT!)

Then she kept saying that i least i asked help from my friends, what dunnit worry about maths test, just nid to try harder... and stuff. Then i was like crying... sobbing, unlike i couldn't even meet her eyes anymore. i rested my head on the table and... cried out loud.

i haven't cried like that in a long time. i had always kept all my sadness in me. and projected a happy-go lucky, slacker, heck-care image. i felt like... i grew up too fast. i wanted to go back to being a kid.

So many insecurities, and my mum only understands the maths one. at LEAST she knows one. some people dun even care. So... i clawed myself to look back into her eyes again. i know her heart was probably in pain seeing me so sad and desperate and... alone.

but who got it worse? my heart was like... blown into what, micro-thingys? i can imagine myself. one of my friends said my eyes were very gentle. gentle people are hurt easily. so those were not gentle eyes. those were eyes filled with hurt and pain. and sadness. anguish. whatever.

i hate myself. so weak and helpless. crying so hard till my throat freaking hurt. and my stomach felt like a bottomless pit. and those painful pangs in my heart...I hugged my mum and cried.Then when we went to sleep, she held my hand for a long long time.

I had someone.even if it was only one person, with everyone else coming to make me sad... at least her presence was there.

hikarusan left a note @
9:53:00 PM

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