...BITCHES

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

...hey there. i've not posted about the anime convention thing. but that was because of something that happened in the night. it's my sister's bitching, don't worry. (then again, who would worry for me, except maybe fakely?) but after that i didn't want to see her face, or hear her voice. it's not that im afraid of her. it's that i...despise her? not the right word... hm... it's like something deep deep inside me just tells me to avoid her.

... ... ... isn't that what i've always been doing? staying out of her way? even when she's bitching i don't say anything back, in case it gets worse. so why can't she do her part and leave me alone? is that so hard? must to add words and be a part of every single thing?

what i never ask you properly? what yuan zhe? i sms you 'sis i borrowing your blouse i told mom' and she crap about it's not properly asking blah blah blah. she also never say can or not, it was my mum's idea to ask her anyway. i knew she would bitch so i didn't want to borrow. YUAN ZHE?! you come up to me, say "I WANT USE COM" in that commanding tone, and never ASK also mah, BITCH! FUCKING BITCH! ... i seriously needed to get that off my chest.

and then i will silently get off the chair, or i'd say 20 more minutes, and then she'd "WHAT?!!!!?!?!?" so loudly. huh..? ain't she a bitch? FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. i couldn't say that to her face. i don't want her to exlode and spit in my face, afterall. even if i told her what i felt, the self-centered over her head bitch wouldn't understand. and so what do i do? i swallow the anger and indignation up. and then i felt my personality shifting. i couldn't stop it.

AND then i had that urge to hurt myself. and then i tried to resist. of course i lost eh? so i bit myself hard 3 times that day. and the teeth marks stared accusingly at me. and then i kissed one. i wonder why. and now, even though it's faded, it still hurts if i touch it. WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME BE HAPPY, BITCHES?

what are family...? they aren't like family to me... they don't treat me like family... family just shares blood right? I DON'T WANT THEIR FILTHY DISGUSTINGLY VILE BLOOD COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS!!!! ... i needed to get that off my chest also.

my father... being nice when it suits him, and then changing to a violent bastard when it doesn't. it hurts more that way you know...? i feel like an orphan. but orphans perhaps wouldn't feel as painful as me because they've not tasted love before. for someone you love to hit and hurt you...

Hell, if he hitting me is good for me, i don't understand why i can't hit myself. he hit me cause he loves me, so why can't i hurt myself because it's for me? I DON'T FUCKING UNDERSTAND!!!!!!

my mother... is even worse... she tells me to do so much housework when she doesn't tell all my siblings... and when i refuse to do that one thing she says, "that xiang ping so lazy" FUCK YOU BITCH!!! my eyes burn. "WHAT? I DO SO MUCH HOUSEWORK YOU SAY I LAZY?!" and that pile of stuff half not mine also!!!!!!!!!

and then she comes talk to me when i cry and look at the sky as if asking god why. she say i so hardworking. WAHHHH LIDDAT ONE LORRR before that say i lazy even though i did so many things and then now i do one thing and she... and she tell me my sister going for lawyer course so i do housework very guai .

I DO HOUSEWORK FOR HER? that makes me even more angry. WHY CAN'T SHE DO HERSELF?! SHE'S THE LAZY BITCH, MY SISTER, AND SHE STILL DOES SO MUCH BITCHING LIKE SHE'S THE QUEEN OR SOMETHING.

...then im the slave...huh...? and i bite myself even more, and im proud to say that i have six bite marks on my arm now, and they all hurt beautifully FUCK YOU ALL TO HELL. and my eldest brother will add comments. ooh, all getting part in the xiang ping bashing~ FUCK YOU!

all i want is to laze around, use com, receive love, go out with friends sometimes, and i would be happy is that too much for ask for? do you know what's my birthday wish? i want to be loved

i'm born in an unhappy family thats self centered!!! and when i go shower, i will go for 30 minutes, because it's the warm water that will embrace me, it's the water that will love me and kiss my skin. it's the rain that will envelope me, soothing me even just that little bit. i guess thats why i love water. but i don't like the pool. that water just wants to drown you and suffocate you, like my family, making me all miserable and heavy hearted.

and my mum ask me what i want for breakfast, and i reply my standard answer of french fries, my sister says out loud that i'm psycho. WOW MAN, FEEL ALL THAT LURVEEEEE. i mean, i don't say anything when she's bitching about the actors in the show, do i? she's a really really mean and ignorant and self-centered bitch.

my last year's birthday wish was to be happy, and see how far that got me. i CAN NEVER BE HAPPY! whenever im happy, my family must spoil my mood. or my 'friends' doesn't matter which. maybe i should just give up living, AND NOBODY WOULD FEEL GUILTY. THEY'RE JUST UNHAPPY THAT THEIR LITTLE TOY TO MOCK AND TAUNT IS GONE. no one left for using and bullying, huh...?

everytime i hurt, i discover another reason why im hurt so badly. because no one really loves me, and i crave for love. regine's dad doesn't hit her or anything... he's nice... everyone i know has a person that's nice for them... ze xuan has a nice mum... her arm slashed by kai liang she care so much, even if i was bullied and was crying everyday my mum doesn't care, saying the bully wants to be my friend. jamie has nice siblings... they give her stuff and they have fun together...

WHAT THE FUCK DO I HAVE? WHO CAN I TRUST? WHAT CAN I BELIEVE IN, GODDAMIT? GODDAMIT!!!

hikarusan left a note @
3:34:00 PM

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009